6. The Two Selves of Happiness

The Two Selves of Happiness

When it comes to happiness, most of us focus on how we feel in the moment or how we remember our experiences later. But what if these two perspectives are not the same, and what if understanding the difference could completely shift how you live your life?

In today’s post, we are exploring an idea first introduced by Nobel Prize-winning psychologist Daniel Kahneman: the Experiencing Self vs. the Remembering Self.
Learning how these two parts of you shape your happiness can help you create a life that feels better day to day, and one that tells a beautiful story when you look back.

 The Experiencing Self vs. The Remembering Self

Daniel Kahneman introduced the idea that we experience life through two different selves.

The experiencing self lives life moment by moment. It feels your day as it unfolds.

The remembering self tells the story of your life. It takes what happened and turns it into a narrative: Was it a good day? Was that a fun vacation? Do I like my job? Am I happy in my relationship?

These two selves do not always agree.

You can have a vacation where you feel stressed 80 percent of the time, but if it has a few good highs, a lot of great photos, and ends on a beautiful note, your remembering self might store it away as "one of the best trips ever."

Or the opposite: maybe you spend a whole afternoon scrolling on your phone. Your experiencing self feels relaxed. But later, your remembering self looks back and thinks, "I wasted the day. That did not make me happy at all." 

Why This Matters

Our moment-to-moment experiences are experienced in short bursts.
When you look back at your day, you will most likely remember it in small sections: the waking up part, the breakfast part, the work part, and so on.

You do not remember the second-to-second details. The further you get from that day, the fewer details you will remember because they just are not relevant to your life. The experiences of your life mostly disappear. What is left are the memories, and they leave a lot out.

Also, what gets remembered is not random.

Our remembering self is not just storing events, it is weaving them into a story about who we are.
Because human beings are wired for storytelling, we are naturally drawn to make choices that reinforce or enhance that story.

We want our lives to sound impressive, meaningful, successful. Sometimes, without even realizing it, we choose experiences that will look good later even if they do not feel good now.

Meanwhile, our experiencing self, the part of us that lives in real time, is saying "This feels bad," or "I am overwhelmed," or just "I wish I were doing something else." 

Shaping Your Life From the Inside Out

Understanding this difference matters because our remembering self is not just shaping our memories — it is quietly shaping the entire direction of our lives.

It makes many of the major choices:

• What jobs we pursue
• What vacations we plan
• What goals we chase
• What life milestones we strive for

But it is our experiencing self that has to live the reality those choices create.

If we are not careful, we can build a life that sounds amazing in memory but feels hollow or exhausting while we are actually living it. 

The Good News: You Can Bring Your Two Selves Together

We can live lives that feel good and build memories we are proud of.

Three key ways to do this:

1. Mindfulness:
   When we slow down and actually notice what we are experiencing, we create stronger, truer memories.
   Research shows that mindful people remember their emotional experiences more accurately. They are more in touch with how things really felt while they were happening.
2. Gratitude:
   Practicing gratitude intensifies the emotional richness of a moment.
   Because emotionally rich moments are more likely to be remembered, gratitude helps anchor those experiences for our remembering self.
3. Redefining Happiness:
   Our remembering self builds its story around what we believe matters most. If we have been taught to value achievement, performance, and appearance, that is what our remembering self will highlight.

Because we are the ones who believe that. But when we build a definition of happiness and a good life that is more authentic to ourselves, we shift what we value, and the story we build changes too. The life we are proud to remember will be the same life that actually felt good to live.

Changing our definition of happiness reshapes both the moments we prioritize and the memories we cherish.

Why Small Daily Choices Matter

How we structure our lives matters.
Kahneman’s research shows that how we spend our time each day impacts our happiness much more than we realize.

Small daily choices, like who we spend time with, how long we commute, and what kinds of activities we prioritize, have a huge impact on our experiencing self.
It is easy to focus all our energy on the big moments or the big goals, but the texture of our days, the ordinary, everyday moments, quietly builds our overall well-being.

The good news is that you do not have to overhaul your life to feel a shift.
Small daily reflections can start reconnecting you to what matters most. 

This Week’s Happiness Challenge: Tracking Your Two Selves

This week, I invite you to get to know your two selves a little better.

At the end of each day, ask yourself:

• How was my day? What kind of day was it?
• Then, take a moment to mentally walk back through your day. Picture the people you talked to, the things you did that interested you, the ways you entertained yourself, anything you learned or accomplished, how tasty your meals were, if you helped anyone, if you laughed. Play back the scenes of your day like a movie.
• Does your initial assessment of the day match what you actually experienced?

You may have initially thought something along the line of "It was just ok" or "It was whatever," because your remembering self just gave you a quick assessment of a routine day. But when you dig into the moments that you experienced, you might remember a really nice talk with your niece, or a fun run around with your dog, an exciting episode of a show that you love and watched with a person that you love. Even just a really nice hug from your daughter might be the thing that makes the day special.

If you want to take it a little deeper:

• What did today suggest about what I am valuing most right now?
• Is that what I really want my life’s story to be built around?

The more you notice how your moments, your memories, and your values are connected, the more you can shape a life that feels good to live and beautiful to remember.

If you would like a printable worksheet to guide this practice, or more tools to help you connect with your happiness in real time and create a life that feels as good as it looks, be sure to visit the FREE Resource Hub. You’ll find expanded versions of Happiness Challenges, extra worksheets, and bonus resources to help you live more intentionally every day. 

Final Thoughts

Understanding your two selves, the one who lives life and the one who remembers it, can help you create happiness that is richer, deeper, and more lasting.
When you bridge the gap between how you experience life and how you remember it, you build a life that truly feels like yours.

Thanks for reading today. If this resonated with you, I would love for you to share it with a friend.
And stay tuned for next week, where we will dive into the Peak-End Rule, and how two simple moments can shape your entire memory of an experience.

Until next time.

 😚🎶🪕